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This is where you guys email me your problems, and I try to help. I'll write the problem in a section below with my reply. I won't use any names unless you tell me I can. I'll try my best to solve your problems.
My email address is regoodstuff@hotmail.com
P.S. Go to Who is Joe? to find out why this section is titled "Ask God."
If you want to see some past "Ask God" questions and answers, Click here.
If someone is talking to you and they wink it usually means they're lying but
what if they wink twice does it mean they're telling the truth?
Cindy
Cindy, we like to think of things as being nice, cute and pretty. But it doesn't always turn out that way. There are evils that we don't notice outright, like the dead that walk among us. Other people call them "Seniors." They aren't all Spanish men, so I don't know why they call them that. But the scariest evil thing of all is the thing that no one knows. What kind of evil is it? No one knows. How powerful an evil is it? No one knows. Why do my two male dogs enjoy licking each other in their private parts... Well you get the idea. I hope that answers your question about evil. And that's the truth. *Wink, wink*
Okay...I'm calm...my question...
What the fuck do father's have to be such assholes? Or....at least mine?
-Dani
I'd like to say that my reply has nothing to do with my personal feelings toward your dad Dani. First, I'm a dirty bastard. Why? Because I'm a guy. All men are. During one of your shouting matches you should shout louder than him: "DADDY, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE A BASTARD! I FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE I CARE. NOW PLEASE GIVE ME OR LET ME DO WHATEVER THIS FIGHT WAS ALL ABOUT. DOES THAT SOUND GOOD TO YOU, DADDY?" NOW... I mean, now is that all better?
Why are Asians smarter than everyone else, except of course Joe-God and
Aislinn-Demigod? I mean besides the fact that there are no natural blond Asians,
why are they so smart?
Dani Halpern
From the worst school on the face of this Earth in which your gork and I
relectantly go to.
The reason that asian people are so smart is because they are actually my decendants. You see, a long time ago, in a land far away in what we today call the world's shithole, Aislinn and I vacationed. We were kinda horny and made sweet lovin' in a back alley behind a porn shop. Out popped one baby, then another, and another! Finally we populated all of what we today call the big country with all the little people, besides Russia. They natives were quite mean to our children, and pinned up their eyes with safety pins. They all soon developed their most notable feature, their wonderful hairdos. That is the story of how Asian people came to be. Oh, and one other thing. Your school's name is not From the worst school on the face of this Earth in which your gork and I relectantly go to. It is called the "Shittiestschoolonthewholefuckingplanet." So next time, get it right!
Some people say that when it rains, God is.. erm, having fun. Is this true?
If
not then maybe I should stop spreading those rumors about you...
Gina
Well, Gina, I have to tell you a little secret. God isn't as dirty as you may think. He's actually a very sensitive guy, with feelings and boo-boos. The most hurtingest boo-boo is when someone masturbates, as you have suggested that I do. In truth, I hurt whenever someone masturbates, that's why I make them blind as a punishment. The only thing that I like to do is to a little thing I like to call wagin' the backward tail. Yeah, that's lot's of fun. I like to do that a lot, in fact I do it nearly all night long... Oh! THAT masturbation! Oh, you should have told me! Oh, yeah, I love doin' that! Who doesn't? I think whoever doesn't should be shot... with a masturbation shot! Ha, ha, ha. I just made that up and it still sounds good. Did you all hear that May was National Masturbation Month? Well, it was! Don't you wish you would have known sooner? I bet you do! There's still time! Go ahead, just go right now to some porn site of your choosing and spank that funky monkey, or crazy clitellum!
Joe,
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers,
Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's
the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked????
P.S. I'd really like to know, cuz I've been looking for it for 2 JOEDAMNED weeks!!!!!
-Kira
According to the quote you just gave me, "Peter" picked a "peck" of "pickled" pepppers. This leads me to the conclusion that Peter was gay and there were no peppers. The peppers were just a symbol of his refusal to believe he was gay. But when he "picks" them, well, that just means he comes right out and says he's gay. And then we come to the part with the pecks. We all know what a "peck" is so I don't even think I need to say it. Well, maybe I do. A peck is a penis. He goes to some male whore house and gets a whole lotta penis. That is what this quote is about. So, now we know what Kira has been searching for these 2 weeks, the male whore house that Peter went to, because she wants some too. Don't worry Kira, it'll be alright. I'm sure there are a lot of guys out there that'll have anything that breathes. There's some hobo out there for you, just waiting to have you give him a sponge bath, which would be the first time he's bathed in well over a decade. Well, until you find him just remember: you have friends out there that also need a sponge bath. That's where you're needed now. Go to them. Go... they really smell. In the meantime, I think we should all applaud Kira on the work she's doing to improve hygine amoung our nation's hobos. Thank you, Kira.
GOD,
Can a guy fake an orgasm?! I mean if he tried really hard could he?????
Jasmine
The differences between men and women are only skin deep. Well, not really, but yes, a guy could fake an orgasm. Here are the easy steps for a guy to fake one:
That's it! Now you know how to "do" it. See you next week, when we explore the wide world of choosing sex toys! See you later!
Okay Joe here are some questions for you and i really hope you enjoy
answering them and i am really bored and not even supposed to be on the computer
and this is all a big run-on sentence and yes. Now for my questions:
1. Since you are god and you know everything could you please come up with
a question for me to ask you since i can't think of anything at the moment.
P.S. JOE'S GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! (WHOOOOOOP!)
I don't know if I wanna give you a question now. I think I will just dwell on one or two for a little while... Oh, alright. I'll write them down, you gay ass whore. I guess you could ask me why I am so very beautiful. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to boast, you slut. I am just very attractive, cute, handsome, voluptuous, sexy... well, whatever you want to call me, you big gay head-giver. I just thought you should know.
P.S. How do you manage to keep all those vinerial diseases, you must have, in check, you little... gay... whore... thing!
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a
woodchuck could chuck wood?
~Bela~
Well, all the woodchucks I know, and there are a lot I asure you. Well, those guys are a curious bunch. During old doubleya doubleya two, well they were my best pals. The bunch of us would go onto the poopy deck and play cards or watch the moon rise. Of course, we were so stoned that we thought the moon was the spaceship that was coming to take us away. It never did though. We were rather disapointed. Especially Bob. Man, he took it the worst. And that is why wood chucks no longer fight in wars... or chuck wood.
Joe,
I am Aislinn's friend Rachel. . . I have a question. . . Wha tis
your chemical composition. Aislinn insisted that I ask you a question.
Not only a question about your chemical composition, not only that, but
what do I tell those pesky missionarys that came to my door?
Thanks,
Rachel
My personal chemical composition is none of your fucking buisiness! Why don't you just go check someone else's chemical composition if you like it so much, you fucking pervert. I swear, some people...
But anyway, the answer to your other question is... you spelled Missionaries wrong! You are so stopid! My Joe, what a dummass. I guess spelling doesn't come with pervurted people! Anyway, the answer to your question is, you need to kill them. Kill them all. That is the answer that god sends to all his followers. Kill all the missionaries that come to your door before they convert you to their stopid religean.
Dear Joe,
I have a friend who thinks he's god. He keeps going on about how he can
control people's minds and how he has access to heaven. But this "friend" is
also an athiest. I think he needs some help. Can you help him? Maybe I should
kill him. *evil grin* hehehehe! But then that would be the end of Good Stuff
so... ya.... hehehehehe!
~Bela~
Well, Bela, I think you should just leave him alone. As I always say, let everyone do whatever the hell they want. It would seem that this would be what needs to be done here too. Do you have a problem with atheists? I mean, I'm an Atheist. Do you think I need some help too? I don't think so. In fact, I think I might just be the most sane person on earth, which is saying a lot since those aliens took over. They seem pretty smart, but I think I'm smarter. I don't think you should kill him. That would only cause the aliens to eat him and grow stronger. It would be best just to leave him be, and let the aliens kill him for you. And, I don't think that I'll stop writing this newsletter just because some guy somewhere is dead. I'll continue no matter what!
Joe
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