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My Grandmother was born in Poland, and moved to this country in the early seventies. Then some stuff happened, and then I came along. These are the tales of my adventures with her.
Note:These dialogs have been changed since I oringially had them with my Grandmother. I would never curse at her. Also, she has a little accent, not a speach impediment. That is all.
Part I
The 54th Avenue South Offramp was closed today, so my Grandma and I had to keep going down I-275 Southbound. That's when it all happened:
Grandma: I think we should go dis way.
Me: No Grandma, we have to stay in this lane.
Grandma: No, we can turn round up ahead.
Me: No Grandma, this is the last exit before the bridge. If we go that way we'll be in Manatee county.
Grandma: No, we can turn round before bridge.
Me: Grandma, we cannot turn around that way. That's why that sign says last exit before bridge.
Grandma: No, I go into other lane.
Me: No Grandma, GOD DAMNIT!!! STAY IN THIS FUCKING LANE OR WE'LL END UP IN MANATEE COUNTY!
Ten minutes later, in Manatee county...
Grandma: Ok, so me wrong.
Me: God damnit, Grandma, I told you so!
Part II
One day my Grandmother told me a story about when she lived in Chicago. It went something like this...
Grandma: When we leeve in Chi-ka-go we go by dis lake. It beeg bee-utiful lake with ducks. They like to come to us to eet bread. They come every day fur bread. One day, we deep bread in vodka and give to them. They loved it! Ate more and more. Fur, five, seex pieces they eat. They wobbled around drunk. It soooooo funny! They no eat bread no more.
Part III
On the way home yesterday, my Grandmother was quite talkative...
Grandma: Ha ha ha, look poor people on street.
Me: Grandma, those are kids walking home from school.
Grandma: Oh... Well, you know girl you talk to on phone?
Me: Yes Grandma, I know her
Grandma: She go to same school as you?
Me: Yes Grandma.
Grandma: She going to same high school with you?
Me: No Grandma, she isn't.
Grandma: Really, she isn't?
Me: YES GRANDMA!!!
Grandma: Oh, ok.
PartIV
On the way to school this morning there was quite a lot of traffic. My Grandmother got caught behind some old slow guy...
Grandma: Geet out of the road, Grandpa!
She quickly passes him up on his left side, going a good 15 miles over the speed limit.
Grandma: Asshoe. You know, you be driving soon.
Me: Yes Grandma, I know.
Grandma: Well, you can use dis car.
Me: No, probably not.
Grandma: Why not?!?
Me: Because I'll probably use Grandpa's car.
Grandma: Oh.
My Grandparents have been divourced for who knows how many years ago. Anyway, now my Grandma was competing for my brother and I. Of course, my Grandpa knows nothing about the competition because he wasn't competing.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!! My Grandma nearly swirved into a van next to us.
Greandma: Asshoe.
Part V
On the way home today, my Grandmother asked me if I'd like anything to eat. I said no...
Grandma: But Jeremy (my evil little brother) wants McDonalds!
Me: I don't care what Jeremy wants; the fat bastard could use a diet anyway.
Grandma: So we go home?
Me: Yes Grandma, let's go home.
Five minutes later...
Grandma: We stop at McDonalds?
Me: NO GODDAMNIT, Grandma.
Grandma: But Jeremy want two cheeseburger and fry.
I decided to give in...
Me: Fine, Grandma.
As we approched McDonalds...
Grandma: We turn here?
Me: No Grandma, that's an alley. It's the next turn.
She slowly passes the alley and gets closer to the turn, at a record breaking 10 mph...
Grandma: Here?
Me: Yes, here.
Grandma: Here?
Me: Yes Grandma, here.
Grandma: Here?
Me: YES GRANDMA, HERE GODDAMNIT!!!
Grandma: Ok.
She turns the car and now looks for the drive thru...
Grandma: Here?
Me: YES GRANDMA!!!
She looks at me and sees the exertion in my face from the exertion on my face from the conversation we had...
Grandma: Why you so ner-vus?
Part VI
The other day my Grandmother was taking me to work. She is always afraid of change...
Grandma: You like work here?
Me: I've only been worked here a day, I have no idea.
Grandma: You call Mommy so she come and bring you up?
Me: No, I have my I.D. so I can get in without her.
Grandma: No, you call Mommy.
Me: Grandma, Goddamnit, I can get in myself.
Grandma: No, call Mommy now.
I give in, seeing this conversation wasn't going anywhere. I grab her cell phone and call my mom's office. I'm told she isn't available at the moment...
Me: Grandma, she isn't there. Just let me go alone.
Grandma: Fine, go.
Me: Thank you, goddamnit!
Later I'm scolded by my mother because I could "go up without holding her hand". My grandmother can be annoying sometimes, and get me into trouble with my parents.
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